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In the past eight years, I’ve lived in seven different apartments in five different cities. Each time I moved, I squirreled away my stash of moving boxes. I stuffed them under the bed, used valuable closet real estate, hid them behind the washing machine. You see, if there’s one thing I hate more than moving, it’s finding moving boxes. Once I found good ones, I didn’t want to let them go, because I always knew the next move was imminent.

For four years of college, I moved every year. Then Tony and I moved to North Carolina — another temporary home that we planned to leave as soon as Tony graduated. When we came back to Indiana, we spent a year in flux. Two weeks in Europe, six weeks at Tony’s parents’ house while he searched for a job, six months in an apartment in northern Indiana where he accepted a temporary teaching job, and now almost four months in an apartment here in southern Indiana after he accepted his full-time position.

I’ve struggled to make connections with people, knowing we’d be moving on soon. I never really felt settled. And through it all, I hung on to those moving boxes, because I knew I’d need them again soon.

After all that, I can’t tell you how good it felt to sign on the dotted line today finally securing our permanent home. Will we live here for the rest of our lives? Probably not. But we’ll be here for the foreseeable future, nestled in our adorable brick ranch on an acre of peaceful land in the country.

We’ll roast turkeys at Thanksgiving and trim Christmas trees in December, grill hot dogs on the back porch and roast marshmallows at backyard bonfires in the summertime. We’ll celebrate Judah’s birthdays, sign him up for Little League, and send him off to kindergarten. Hopefully we’ll find a community that we can call our own. And I’ll finally send my pile of moving boxes to the recycling center.

We are home. Finally.

One year ago today

Since Judah was born, time has been on warp speed. But man, this moment still feels like a million years ago.

It’s true that a lot has happened since the day I found out I was pregnant — we moved three times, Tony has started two different jobs, we traveled to Europe. But more importantly, I have changed so drastically, I don’t even recognize the girl holding this pregnancy test.

Last year on April 2, my office was closed for Good Friday. I should have been sleeping in. But I was wide awake way too early.

I had reason to believe I could be pregnant, but I doubted it. It had only been 3 weeks since we officially decided to start a family. Just a few weeks before, I was thrilled at the possibility that I could get pregnant right away. On April 2, I was ambivalent.

Two weeks before that morning, I had received a call from my dream job. I was already pregnant at that point, even though I didn’t know, but I did know that if I was pregnant, it had already happened. I started the interview process anyway, thinking to myself how unlikely it was that I could be pregnant after just one month.

The interviews were going well. It came down to me and one other candidate, but I had a feeling that the woman who would be my primary supervisor favored me. I felt 99% certain they would offer me the job.

We knew we were moving back to Indiana in just over a month. Neither one of us had a job yet. We made the decision that if they offered me the position, we’d temporarily stall our plans for a family so I could accept.

It’s so hard to explain my feelings about it now, as I hold my sleeping baby. I can’t imagine feeling anything but absolute joy and excitement to have him in my life. But for two weeks before I found out he would be born, I hoped I wasn’t pregnant. I hoped I’d have the opportunity to take my dream job.

I took pregnancy tests on March 31 and April 1. Both negative. I became convinced that I wasn’t pregnant. I scheduled a final interview with the board that would make the final hiring decision (via Skype, since I still lived in North Carolina). I daydreamed about the exciting career ahead of me. I didn’t know how long I’d wait to have a baby. Maybe a year. Maybe two.

And then I took a third test on April 2. Positive. I was going to have a baby.

Never before in my life have my feelings so dramatically and instantly changed. In one moment, I was hoping the test would be negative, hoping I would be able to take a job in Indianapolis. The next I was consumed with excitement and anticipation and joy, because, OMG, I’M HAVING A BABY. In that moment, I went from focusing on my career and myself to thinking about nothing but the little person I was incubating. Suddenly nothing else mattered.

To this day, even after experiencing the rush of emotion while holding him in my arms for the first time on the day he was born, I remember that moment as the moment I became a mother. Even then, I realized what a strange feeling it was to experience such a drastic, life-altering change in a split second.

The following week, I removed myself from consideration for the job. I made the decision for a number of reasons. I knew it wouldn’t be fair to begin a new job knowing that I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom when the baby was born. We also worried that moving to a particular city would limit Tony’s job search too much, and he wouldn’t be able to find anything. It was essential for him to find a job if I was going to stay home. We decided it would be better to keep our options open so we could move anywhere with an open position. I knew it would be difficult to turn down a job offer even though I knew it wasn’t right for us, so I decided to drop out before they had a chance to make me an offer.

From the moment I found out I was pregnant, I didn’t regret our decision to start trying that month. I was so so happy to be pregnant. But I did wrestle with the decision to give up the job. I toyed with the idea of being a working mother. I wouldn’t have considered it for just any job, but for this one, I strongly considered it.

In the end, I knew it wasn’t the right choice for our family or for me. My biggest fear was that I would someday regret my decision.

When I think about the way everything fell into place after that, it amazes me. No, it wasn’t ideal to be touring Europe with morning sickness, but I’m glad I wasn’t 9 months pregnant when Tony was offered his current job. If I’d waited even a few months to get pregnant, I wouldn’t have been able to have my baby at one of the most natural-birth-friendly hospitals in the state. Or worse, we wouldn’t have been able to accept the job, because I would have been too pregnant to consider undertaking a 300-mile move in less than two weeks.

One year later and four months into my little boy’s life, I know everything worked out exactly the way that it should have. I wouldn’t change a single thing. In the end, it turned out that being Judah’s mama was my real dream job. I know it’s trite, but it’s true, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Hitting the road

Judah and I are going on our first solo road trip! My sister is visiting from Canada, so we’re driving four hours north to my parents’ so we can see her, my niece, and my nephew before they move all the way out to the west coast. Unfortunately, Tony has to work all week, so Judah and I are making the trip by ourselves.

I’ll be gone until Saturday morning, so I may not have time to get posts up for the rest of the week.

In the meantime, you should check out my sister’s new homeschooling blog, Patchwork Academy. She homeschools my 8-year-old niece and 5-year-old nephew, and writes about her experiences raising and educating children with sensory processing disorder. Start here for the story of how she became a homeschooler.

Have a fantastic week! And wish us luck on the road. We need it.

This day.

Spend afternoon in a wretched mood due to sleepless night and crabby baby on nap strike.

Inform husband that 15-minute break is necessary to maintain sanity.

Escape house.

Drive across town to Starbucks, because the only thing that can potentially turn this sour mood around is a decaf soy mocha.

Play Dire Straits as loud as your speakers will go, not because it’s your first choice, but because it’s not a commercial or a country song and it’s better than a screaming baby.

Arrive at Starbucks.

Realize you forgot your wallet at home.

Cry. Because really? Seriously?!

Drive home.

Retrieve wallet.

Escape house again.

Catch perfect song to scream with on the radio.

Procure decaf soy mocha.

Return home to sleeping baby and forgiving husband who endured many minutes of screaming in your absence despite the fact that you’ve been a jerk all evening.

Enjoy beverage and quiet.

Feel guilty and grateful.

2010 in review

This has definitely been the craziest year of my life. It wasn’t until I started compiling links for this post that I realized just how much has happened this year.

At the end of 2009, we booked tickets for our trip to Europe.

In January, we started putting together the details for the trip and planning to move. I also started training for my New Year’s resolution — running a half marathon. Pregnancy prevented me from reaching that goal, but I did become a real runner. We knew that we’d be starting a family very soon, so we took advantage of our last few months of freedom and booked a spontaneous cruise to the Bahamas.

In February, I realized that a tight budget can be a blessing. I also reflected on our accomplishments and considered how to stay relevant in my job even though I’d already turned in a resignation.

In March, we started looking for a subletter for our apartment. We went on a cruise to the Bahamas. I realized just how important a savings account can be. I also ran my first 5K.

In April, I discovered I was pregnant (but I didn’t announce it here yet). The pregnancy combined with our impending move pushed my stress level to the limit, but I reminded myself that there’s nowhere you can be that isn’t where you’re meant to be. I got a lot of flack for my confession that we’re in no hurry to be debt free. And after three years, we packed up our apartment in North Carolina and headed home to Indiana.

In May, I announced my pregnancy! I didn’t post much else that month since we were gone for two weeks in Europe.

In June, I recapped our European vacation. I also complained a lot about pregnancy. Tony accepted a new job in Fort Wayne, Indiana, and we started planning to move again. I knew money would be tight, so I came up with a game plan to tighten our budget.

In July, we found an apartment and moved to Fort Wayne. We started shopping for baby stuff. We found out that our baby is a boy! We made a list of essential baby items. And I realized just how much of our home was purchased second hand.

In August, I struggled a lot with pregnancy. I started quite a bit of controversy with my post on luxury vs. necessity. We started making plans to pay for our baby’s education.

In September, I came up with our cloth diapering game plan. I transitioned to a work-at-home career. I examined the hidden costs of small-town life. And we were gifted with a boatload of baby clothes from Tony’s yard sale master grandmother.

In October, I reminded myself of everything I have to be thankful for. We also finished Judah’s nursery!

In November, I finally posted a self portrait of my huge pregnant self. I cleared up some common misconceptions about midwifery. I looked into our options for insurance (oh, thank GOD we don’t have to worry about this anymore). And we welcomed our baby boy!

And last month, I shared my birth story. I began adjusting to life with a baby. We also found out that we’re moving again, but this time it’s for a fantastic full-time teaching job.

Whew. Three moves, two big vacations, and a baby. Let’s hope 2011 is just as great, but a lot less stressful.

Where I’ve been & where I’m going

It’s been almost a week since I posted, which is longer than I’ve ever gone without posting since I started this blog. Despite the holidays and my month-old baby, I didn’t intend to take an extended vacation. But we got some unexpected good news that threw everything off.

The day before Christmas Eve, we found out that Tony has been hired for a full-time teaching position at a college in southern Indiana near Louisville, Kentucky. Classes begin January 10, which means we’re moving four hours away in a week.

We were visiting with my in-laws about two hours away from our new home when we got the news, so after the holidays we headed straight to our new city to find an apartment and get things in order for the move.

It’s extremely stressful trying to get everything together on such short notice, especially with a newborn baby. But it really is fantastic news for our family, so I’m not complaining.

Posting may be sparse for the next week as I pack up our apartment and make the move, but I’ll be back soon. Happy New Year to all of you!

Break for gratitude

Now more than ever I need to remind myself that as challenging as my days can be lately, I am very very lucky. Instead of complaining today, I’m affirming all of the reasons that I have to feel thankful on the day after my 26th birthday.

  • A medically uncomplicated pregnancy, and the healthy baby boy who will result from it (eventually).
  • My wonderful husband, who is working so hard to provide for us and take care of me on the days when I’m feeling particularly ill.
  • The incredible kindness and generosity of the friends and family who attended our baby shower this weekend, and the bounty of much needed baby items they brought for us.
  • Central air conditioning to keep me cool despite the 85-degree heatwave we’re experiencing in Indiana. (If I wasn’t pregnant, I would tough it out with fans and open windows. Sorry, electric bill. You’re just going to have to deal with a couple days of air conditioner use in October.)
  • The imminent and much anticipated arrival of fall and winter in the Midwest. I’ve missed it so much for the past three years, and I’m so glad I’ll finally be here to enjoy fall foliage, crisp air, and snow.
  • My parents, my sisters, Tony’s family, and our friends for providing us with the support network we missed so much when we were living 800 miles away.
  • Howie, the best dog in the world.
  • My blog readers, who have been so incredibly helpful with tips, encouragement, and inspiration over the past 2 years.
  • Generic Zantac, the midwife-approved medication that is keeping my reflux (somewhat) bearable in the final weeks of this pregnancy. I don’t like taking medication while pregnant, but the Zantac is much more effective and much preferred over 20 Tums a day.
  • Plentiful freelance work that will help us replenish our emergency fund.
  • Pumpkin-shaped Reese’s peanut butter cups.
  • Mid-day naps.
  • Thanksgiving, which is rapidly approaching.
  • Only 58 days until my estimated due date. I don’t know for sure that he’ll be here by then, but it feels good to know the end is getting so close.

I’m trying really hard to focus on the positive today. Why are you grateful?

Photo by wenzday01